Humphrey: Make him something important. What's he interested in? Television?
Hacker: Hasn't even got a set.
Humphrey: Fine, make him a governor of the BBC.
From: The Grand Design
Humphrey: Nuclear weapons are there to make people believe that Britain is defended.
Bernard: The Russians?
Humphrey: No, not the Russians, the British. The Russians know it's not.
From: The Ministerial Broadcast
Humphrey (about Hacker): He's got no. 10, a salary, a pension for life. What more can he want?
Bernard: I think he wants to govern Britain.
Humphrey: Well stop him, Bernard!
From: The Ministerial Broadcast
Humphrey: Well, it's clear that the committee has agreed that your new policy is a really excellent plan but in view of some of the doubts being expressed, may I propose that I recall that after careful consideration, the considered view of the committee was that while they considered that the proposal met with broad approval in principle, that some of the principles were sufficiently fundamental in principle and some of the considerations so complex and finely balanced in practice, that, in principle, it was proposed that the sensible and prudent practice would be to submit the proposal for more detailed consideration, laying stress on the essential continuity of the new proposal with existing principles, and the principle of the principal arguments which the proposal proposes and propounds for their approval in principle.
From: The Ministerial Broadcast
Humphrey: Prime Minister I must strongly protest in the strongest possible terms, my profound opposition to a newly instituted practice which imposes severe and intolerable restrictions upon the ingress and egress of senior members of the hierarchy and which will in all probability, should the current deplorable innovation be perpetuated, precipitate a constriction of the channels of communication and culminate in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis which will render effectively impossible the coherent and coordinated discharge of the function of government within her Majesty's United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
Hacker: You mean you've lost your key?
From: The Key
Hacker: May I clarify something? Who knows the Foreign Office secrets, apart from the Foreign Office?
Bernard: That's easy - only the Kremlin.
From: A Victory For Democracy
Hacker:Is there anyone in the church who doesn't believe in God?
Humphrey: Yes, most of the Bishops.
From: The Bishop's Gambit
Peter: I gather he's been waiting ages for the job.
Humphrey : Long time no See!
From: The Bishop's Gambit
Head of MI5: There was a lot of ridiculous press specualtion at the time, suggesting Halstead was a spy. Totally unfounded of course.
Hacker: But he was a spy.
Head of MI5: But they didn't know that!
From: One Of Us
Head of MI5: We can't have unfounded, arrogant press speculation. That's the last thing we want.
Hacker: Even if it's accurate?
Head of MI5: Oh, especially if it's accurate.
From: One Of Us
Bernard: You only need to know things on a need to know basis.
Humphrey: I need to know everything. How else can I judge whether or not I need to know it?
Bernard: So you need to know things, even when you don't need to know them. You need to know them not because you need to know them, but because you need to know whether or not you need to know. And if you don't need to know you still need to know so that you know that there was no need to know.
Humphrey: Yes!
From: Man Overboard
Humphrey: It is characteristic of all committee discussions and decisions that every member has a vivid recollection of them, and that every member's recollection of them differs violently from every other member's recollection; consequently we accept the convention that the official decisions are those and only those which have been officially recorded in the minutes by the officials; from which it emerges with elegant inevitability, that any decision which has been officially reached would have been officially recorded in the minutes by the officials, and any decisions which is not recorded in the minutes by the officials has not been officially reached, even if one or more members believe they can recollect it; so in this particular case, if the decision would have been officially reached, it would have been recorded in the minutes by the officials and it isn't so it wasn't.
From: Man Overboard
Hacker: Do we ever get our own way with the French?
Humphrey: Sometimes.
Hacker: When was the last time?
Humphrey: Battle of Waterloo, 1853.
From: A Diplomatic Incident
Bernard: Yes ... the English speaking nations can be said to include the USA.
From: A Diplomatic Incident
Dorothy: An ordinary person wants to stop a major government policy. What can he do about it?
Hacker: Join the Civil Service!
From: Power To The People
Humphrey: Abolish Education and Science?
Hacker: I'm only abolishing the department. Education and Science will flourish.
Humphrey: Without a government department? Impossible!
From: The National Education Service
Bernard: I think you should put out a press statement showing sympathy for the unemployed.
Humphrey: Why?
Bernard: You may be joining them any moment.
From: The Tangled Web