TV detector man: Where's your toilet?
Neil: Oh, upstairs. Just follow your nose.
From: Bomb
Rick: I notice you haven't written the call down in the book, Mike. That's very interesting, isn't it? I mean, we've got this book here to write down all the calls we make in. I suppose you forgot, did you? Well, I wonder how many other times you conveniently forgot?
Mike: Rick, what are you talking about? This is a pay phone.
From: Bomb
Fisher: Next Tuesday, right, I'm going to blow up a panda in Croydon.
Rick: Yeah, right on. Bloody zoos, who needs them?
From: Interesting
Neil: It was getting really hot. Then I thought oh no, I should have put out that sociology file that was burning on Rick's bed.
Vyvyan: Yeah, I did that. Trying to make Rick think I was hiding in his bedroom.
Neil: What? You set fire to Rick's bedroom? I think that's a really selfish thing to do Vyvyan. I was hiding in there - you could have given me away!
From: Flood
Neil: Come on guys, I don't think we should let this experience bring us down. After all, what's so wrong with dirty clothes anyway?
Rick: Yeah! you know, what they say - dirty pants, clean botty.
Mike: Dirty duvet, dirty mind.
Vyvyan: Yeah - my knickers are so old, it's only the stubborn understains that are holding them together.
From: Bambi
Vyvyan: Could I borrow a cup of sugar please?
Neighbour: Another one? How many's that you've had? You'll rot your teeth you know.
Vyvyan: Yeah, I was a bit worried about that, so I had all mine kicked out before I came round. These are Neil's.
From: Cash
Woman: Do you dig graves?
Neil: Yeah, yeah, they're all right, yeah.
From: Nasty
Vyvyan: Now, where was I?
Mike: You were over there by the front door.
Vyvyan: No, before that Michael! Oh God - I gotta stop sniffing this Ajax.
From: Nasty
Vyvyan: No, I just don't understand - how? Was she unconscious?
Rick: What Vyvyan - do I detect a little spark of jealousy?
Vyvyan: Ha! I'm not jealous! I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!
From: Time
Vyvyan: I must be hallucinating. What's a good thing for a hangover?
Mike: Drinking heavily the night before.
From: Time
Mike: What's two foot long with a big round head?
Helen: Don't know.
Mike: No, nor do I, but I keep finding it in my cornflakes...
From: Time
Neil: Oh yeah, that's a good idea isn't it? Yeah - let's all bring Neil down. That'll relieve the boredom.
Vyvyan: Will it? OK - er, shut up Neil you ugly poo-faced git!
From: Summer Holiday
Mike: Neil, it is very rare you interest me, but today you have. Why do you keep coming in here, carrying a cake, and saying surprise?
Neil: It's my birthday.
Mike: Now you knew that anyway, and we don't care, so where's the surprise?
From: Summer Holiday