Episode Guide (Series 1)
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Pilot
The British Are Coming (30 Dec 82)
Rene Artois, owner of the Cafe Rene in the French village of Nouvion, is 'persuaded' by the Resistance to hide two escaping British airmen. Rene is more interested in having affairs with his two waitresses without his wife finding out.
The Germans, who are occupying the village, are busy looting anything valuable.
1: The Fallen Madonna (14 Sep 84)
Colonel von Strohm and Captain Geering want to hand Rene over to the Gestapo, along with Van Clomp's painting of the "Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies", which he is hiding for them. Rene talks them into having a forged copy of the painting made so that they can hand that over instead.
The Colonel and the Captain are persuaded to lend their uniforms to the two escaping British officers.
2: Pigeon Post (21 Sep 84)
The British airmen are captured by the Communist Resistance, but they manage to escape. They burn the borrowed German uniforms and make their way back to the cafe dressed in clothes taken from a couple of scarecrows.
Rene is given some carrier pigeons so that he can ask London to supply replacement uniforms for Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering, who are now disguised as onion sellers. Rene decides to use the radio instead, so he hides the pigeons in the kitchen. Later, Edith serves them up as a meal for the Germans.
3: Saville Row To The Rescue (28 Sep 84)
Michelle of the Resistance delivers a Bols Gin bottle full of nitroglycerin to the cafe. Rene is told to hide it until the Resistance need to use it to blow up a German train. Edith thinks it's real gin, so she gives some to her mother.
That night, Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering, still disguised as onion sellers, go with Rene to meet a plane from London which is supposed to be bringing their replacement uniforms. The plane is actually only carrying a tailor, who's come to give the two German officers a fitting. He takes the painting of the "Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies" back to London so that a copy can be made.
4: The Execution (5 Oct 84)
Captain Geering accidentally blows up a railway line with the 'nitroglycerin gin'. General Von Klinkerhoffen arrives in town and orders Colonel Von Strohm to have the 'chief saboteur' (i.e. Rene) shot. Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering arrange to fake Rene's death by firing squad.
5: The Funeral (12 Oct 84)
Now that Rene is assumed to have been shot by a German firing squad, he has to masquerade as his own twin brother. Everyone attends Rene's funeral.
6: Red Nick's Colonel (19 Oct 84)
Rene is organising a party for Colonel Von Strohm's birthday. During the celebrations, however, Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering are kidnapped by the Communist Resistance. The German officers are imprisoned in a remote barn and Rene is taken there so that he can execute the killers of his 'twin brother'.
A British plane drops the replacement German uniforms, the real 'Fallen Madonna' painting and the forgery.
Michelle rescues Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering with the help of the staff from the cafe, who are all disguised as German soldiers.
7: The Dance Of The Hitler Youth (26 Oct 84)
Herr Flick now has the real painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' and Rene plans to swap it for the forgery before it's sent on to Berlin. The Germans celebrate the anniversary of the burning of the Reichstag by getting girls to dress up as Hitler Youth and perform Bavarian dances.
Rene and Edith, disguised as German soldiers, break into Herr Flick's office to swap paintings. They discover that Herr Flick has had another forgery made. Their mission ends in failure and Her Flick ends up with the original painting AND both forgeries. An attempt to smuggle the British airmen out of France in a rowing boat fails when they decide they won't be able to row all the way across the English Channel.